In hopes no one is reading

So yesterday, fueled by what I can only assume was nostalgia I took a peek at my previous posts on this blog. I was ashamed. While some of the things I wrote about, I still agree with and some of the things I said  were downright hilarious, I also found out that my writings suffered from an abundance of latent racism, some very bad jokes, a false sense of superiority and a complete lack of empathy on my side towards my readers. I'm glad there weren't many of you reading back then and by now I hope that you are all gone. I plan on using this blog a bit in the future to refine my writing and hopefully not make the same mistakes I made in the past, after all I still have a book to write, be it good or bad.

Regarding the book,, the biggest problem I am struggling with right now is my fear of, what I presume to be, impending failure.  It would be hypocritical of me to ask people to believe in me when I don't believe in myself so I won't ask. I do, however, feel the need to explain, not to my readers but to myself as to why I keep delaying the creation of new content.  The truth is I gambled my life away on my dreams & hobbies. I chose to follow a path that I knew nothing about and had a lot of hopes for. When things inevitably didn't go my way, I panicked and instead of trying to get better I forced a question on myself that I still can't answer right: "What if I'm not any good?". This led to me assuming that I am in fact not  good at all and I chose to postpone things because I was afraid of finding out that I am without a doubt irreversibly bad.  I realize now, silly enough, after playing a video game, about which I will talk about in a follow-up post, that there is a point in trying and there is a point in bettering myself. Despite of how bad I currently am, I know that I can get better, so I will try.